Generalissimo Kim Jong Il Still Not Dead But Rumored to Need Ventriloquist’s Assistance to Brush Teeth, Conduct Inspections, Sign Public Execution Warrants

[Update:  C’est pas vrais, says le docteur.]

Every day seems to bring a new rumor about Kim Jong Il’s health, which is in itself a good thing if you consider the effect this must have on the cohesion between ambitious generals, party apparatchiks, and disgruntled young officers in a hungry year.  We know the rumors are circulating in North Korea, and it’s safe to assume that they’re just as contradictory inside North Korea as they are on Earth.  The difference is that in such a controlled society, people are just as inclined to believe rumors as what they hear in their “news,” depending on what they’re predisposed to believe.

Today’s report, via the South Korean intelligence leak ticker, is that His Porcine Majesty has suffered “a serious setback” in his recovery from a stroke.  Previous statements from Japanese and South Korean officials had suggested that Kim was partially disabled by the stroke but — thank goodness — still every bit the absolute, iron-fisted despot and Sun of the Nation.  (This squares with the rumors I’m hearing unofficially, that the stroke left Kim paralyzed on his left side.  I emphasize that I have no source or authentication for this information.)

The news of this “setback” displaces the most recent gossip, via a reader (thank you):

New doubts over the health of North Korea’s “Dear Leader” have arisen after Kim Jong Il’s eldest son was filmed in Paris apparently soliciting the services …

Please, please, let the next words be “of Divine Brown in an alley behind an adult bookstore.”

… of a top brain surgeon.


The footage, shot by the Japanese Fuji Television, has rekindled conjecture that Mr Kim is gravely ill and has possibly had a stroke. Speculation over the enigmatic dictator’s health has been rife, with some North Korean defectors suggesting that Mr Kim is at death’s door.

That speculation has led some intelligence experts to suggest that Pyongyang may, behind the scenes, be in the grip of a struggle for supremacy by opposing factions eager to take over when the 66-year-old dictator finally loses his stranglehold on power. [Times of London]

It should tell you something that the news changes faster than I have time to post about it.

You can see previous video of Kim Jong Nam being stalked by a reporter in Macau here.

Last month, South Korean President Lee Myung Bak publicly castigated his own officials and his nation’s press for leaks and speculation about Kim Jong Il’s health.  This appears not to have had the desired effect.


  1. thanks joshua for the good news.

    porky needs to get it over with and kick the bucket.

    i guess that ceaucescu moment for him won’t happen. damn, as i’ve been dreaming about that for years. but maybe it will for whomever (person or group) that tries to take control.

    those leaflet senders from SK should also put in their note that whomever gets footage of that ceacescu moment could make some serious american $. i’m sure all the major news outlets would easily pay for that.


  2. Latest news out of Pyongyang is that the little b—–d s–t-f–k suffered a second stroke. Funny… that’s how Stalin died, a series of strokes. Fitting…

    I have heard the following rumors about Kimberly Joan Il, too: I would like anyone who has heard the same stuff to reply…

    -that Kimmie, in his healthy days, would fly in hookers from the Netherlands for weekend trysts (this I think may have been substantiated);

    -that when he wasn’t in the mood for Dutch prostitutes, he went pedophile, having the young children (c. 8-15, boys and girls alike) of military officers over for a night or two. And NOT to play D&D.

    -that his officers did as requested, handing over their kids, both out of the real fear of death and for the money/goods/advancement in rank such favors to Kim entailed; and

    -that Kim would personally make videos of his sick acts with those kids, something like what Paris and Rick did or what R. Kelly was accused of.

    These things I have heard hinted at here and there on the Web. I don’t know if they’re true, but if they are, they should be aired and made to humiliate that scumbag. Anyone know? Thx, John…

    Death by crucifixion to the murderer Kim Jong-Il, to his sons, to his whole putrid line. Free the North now…