Today’s Non-News

The Pentagon today refused to comment on South Korea’s latest call for revisions of the two countries’ Status of Forces Agreement. The revisions, said to be inspired by the case of U.S. citizen and convicted spy Robert Kim, 64, would interpret the existence of a new “Korean Pride” clause within the text of the treaty’s article concerning the agricultural inspection of duty-free processed luncheon meats. A provision of this clause would immunize all persons of Korean descent from prosecution for all past, present, and future violations of U.S. law. The new provision would apply to all persons of Korean descent, including those who had never served in the armed forces, regardless of whether they had ever set foot in Korea.

The case of Mr. Kim, a U.S. citizen who reported filled out dozens of pages of tedious immigration forms, renounced his loyalty to all other nations, swore allegiance to the United States, and then proceeded to hand over dozens of secret Navy documents to South Korea, has created a public outcry in Seoul. “Many Koreans, myself included, believe that America is our closest ally, but there are times that the United States has shown arrogance and hurt Korean pride,” said Lee Woong Jin, president of Kim’s Seoul-based fan club. Graduate student and Kim supporter Bae Shin-Ja, 32, agreed. “Putting any Korean in an American prison is an insult to all Koreans. This is just more proof that the SOFA is unequal and unfair to Koreans, insults our pride, and must be changed,” said Bae, who was interviewed at a Starbucks in Anaheim.

Former sergeants Mark Walker and Fernando Nino were unavailable for comment. A spokesman for U.S. Forces Korea, speaking from the command’s new headquarters in Baghdad, said that USFK was looking into the possibility of incarcerating the new SOFA prisoners in local confinement facilities.

In other news, a massive protest at the Chinese Embassy in Seoul ended peacefully when hordes of monkeys suddenly flew from the demonstrators’ anuses. The past two months have seen large demonstations on behalf of North Korean refugees who were reportedly on hunger strike in Chinese internment camps to prevent their repatriation to almost certain death in North Korea.