The Shallowest Stretch of the River Seine

“While Americans who go abroad to kill people vote Republican, Americans who go abroad to do just about anything else vote Democratic.” –Elisabeth Eaves, on Slate

Hey Liz–get over yourself, and shut the fuck up.

Now, I realize you’re obviously proud of your past, so listen very carefully: I also happen to be extremely proud of mine. There are actually people in this world–people like me–who volunteered for overseas service in the United States armed forces because they believed in protecting everyone else’s freedom to be as fulfilled or as superficial as their talent and discipline allow. You’re free to live out your existence as a conceited little silicone animatron rubbing armpits with the beautiful people in a French nightclub. Just remember that men and women far worthier of walking this earth than you are making it possible by giving up their arms, legs, and lives.

Now, I have nothing against alumni of the, er, stripping industry, per se. I’m sure plenty of women far less pretentious than yourself have used what God gave them to feed their kids or pay their tuition that way. Unlike you, however, they’re not presenting it as an intellectual or moral credential. Please tell us–do you remember the exact moment you gave in to those preying on your urge to make a parody of yourself? Did you ever ask yourself if anyone ever paid a cover charge or read your book* because they admired the depth of your thinking? Having read some of your writing, I can safely conclude that you reached the pinnacle of your life’s accomplishments on a greased pole.

Thanks to those paid killers you so detest, you will continue to have wardrobe options other than a burka, and all of life’s REALLY hard choices magically go away. You’re fucking welcome.

Hat tip: Spoons and Allah.

* Amazon customers who bought this item also bought . . . Turning Pro: A Guide to Sex Work for the Ambitious and the Intrigued, by Magdalene Meretrix. I’d bet five francs that Magdalene Meretrix once roomed with a fif-teen-year-old-French-pros-ti-tute-named-Chlo-e-with-webbed-feet, but I could be wrong. And the common intellectual thread is . . . . ? Ah, Liz, you’re such an intellectual!