Studio Six, and Bring the Flexcuffs and the Stomach Pump!

I started compiling a list of all the pundits, who, unlike me, are paid to write for expensive newspapers, and who, unlike me, had actually drawn lessons from the North Korean nuclear “breakthrough” that proved erroneous somewhere between the time of writing and time of publication. Inexplicably, none of the examples listed here had the decency to simply acknowledge that the foundation facts were so obliterated as to require pulling the flawed analyses out of simple decency to the readers.

There were many noble candidates, and it’s an honor just to be nominated, of course. The Wall Street Journal made a solid appearance by proclaiming “Progress in Beijing,” that we owed to the fact that “China finally lean[ed] on Kim Jong Il,” and to President Bush’s multilateral diplomacy (which is a lot like “bilateral” diplomacy, only more “multi-,” and equally ineffective). Still, the WSJ gets credit for noting the Delta Asia bank story, which few in the big media have. The best self-fisking analysis was this beaut by Fred Kaplan of Slate, who should keep neither his day job nor to other one to which he aspires:

It’s a significant breakthrough. But it could easily have been accomplished two and a half years ago, had President George W. Bush been willing. It is also nothing like an actual agreement, just a preliminary step before the real negotiations–where, if history holds, North Korea will frustrate us with tricks and backtracking, and we just have to hang on tight.

Translation: Bush could have had an equally emphemeral, transitory, and meaningless deal with a shelf life of less then one day two whole years ago if he’s only listened to Fred Kaplan. A career in diplomacy awaits you, Fred. We’ve already established that The Washington Post’s Glenn Kessler is needlessly occupying a perfectly good press pass. In his front-page “analysis” piece, Kessler was still talking about a “decision[] by . . . the Pyongyang government . . . to compromise” nearly a full day after Pyongyang had unceremoniously un-compromised. Give me the press pass, Glenn. I’ll actually use it for something.

If you remember all the excitement over Chris Nelson, rest assured we’re well into The Sixteenth Minute, because Chris’s writing contains about as much excitement as reading the Internal Revenue Code. He’s recovered sufficiently from his morbid humiliation for having inadvertently exposed the biases of every Korea reporter in Washington–expecially himself–to opine on what all this meant (at least before it manifestly meant nothing again). I dare you to read this entire droning, rambling gossip sheet without your index finger pulling furiously at the scroll wheel on your mouse. The equivalent of six vertical feet down the piece, Nelson says, “Anyhow, back to the Korea deal. Can things still go bad in a hurry? Of course. As one experienced Administration source . . . .”

They already have, Chris. They already have. . . .

And yet, there can only be one winner.

And the winner is . . . . escaped mental patient Ted Turner, back from Pyongyang, unburdened of his shopping cart, and off his paxil against medical advice! Between the giant green spiders and the lollipop man with the big Elton John glasses, Ted fixed his bloodshot gaze on Wolf Blitzer and explained why Kim Jong-Il just wants to get along:

“No. No. I talked with quite a few of the North Korean leaders and South Korean leaders, too, and spent really the most time with the head negotiator for North Korea. And I was really over there to try and persuade North and South Korea to make the DMZ into an international peace park when, when they sign a peace treaty, which I anticipate will be fairly soon, now that we have the six-party talks, we have agreement there. But I had a great time. I am absolutely convinced that the North Koreans are absolutely sincere. There’s really no reason — no reason for them to cheat or do anything to violate this very forward agreement. I mean, I think we can put the North Korea and East Asia problems behind us and concentrate on Iran and Iraq, where, where we still have some ongoing difficulties.”

The interview Ted did with Wolf Blitzer is quite long, but being the public service I am, I went to the trouble of preparing a redacted transcript, whiting out just a few factual inaccuracies:

…………………………….flew………………………….. palace…………………………………………………..
………………………offered me a drink, to which I said,………………………………………………..
………….Thursday……………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………….enormous Persian carpet, except made from the hair of actual half-blooded Chinese infants…………………………………………………………………………….
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“I didn’t see, I didn’t see any, I didn’t see any brutality in the capital or out in the, on the DMZ. We went, we visit, drove through the countryside quite a bit to get down to Panmunjom and Kaesong. We traveled around.”……………………………………………………….
…………………………………………………………………………………..eleven o’clock?……………………….
……………….the……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
………………of…………….. this …………………………..and so I……………………………………………….
………………..”And I think that we should give them another chance.”………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
……………………………………the whole economy of North Korea……………………………………….
……………….my shoes………………………………………………………………………………………………….
hey, they look pretty real to me! ………………………………………………………………………………
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……………………………………………………………………………………………….still Thursday?………..
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………..the fourth bottle……………………………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………………………………offer to………………………..
Korea is a peninsula?……………………………………………………………………………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
………………………………………….eat this?…………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………….skinny little oriental guys all over the place
……………………………the…………………….. or…………………………………………………………………..
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……….threw up all over his Persian carpet………………………………………………………………..
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………….my……………………………………………………………………………… another…………………..
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………not this scraped it off my boots…………………………………………………………………………
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……………………………………………………………………. bigger than yers…………………………………
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……………………pheasant shabu-shabu………………. six…………………….. a………………………..
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wasabi……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
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……”Who do I have to boff to get another drink ’round heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeya?”………
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…………………… nice …………………………………………………………………………………………………….
……………………………………………….a more of that roast duck, and another bottle…………
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…………….whitish stuff………………………………………………………………………………………………..
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…….thing on the label about interactions with alcohol……………………………………………….
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……………………………………………………………………………………..already Sunday?………………..
…..the……………. an……………… so I told her…………………………………………………………………
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………………………………………………………spiders offa me!………………………………………………..
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a …………………………….hiding in my luggage………………………………………………………………….
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Turner: “Well, what, the Aleutian Islands? There’s nothing up there but a few sea lions.”
Blitzer: “Well, you know, this is a serious issue. I hope you’re right, as I said-”
Turner: “I know it’s a serious issue. I mean, I didn’t go over there to waste my time.” Blitzer: “No, no, no. I’m just, I’m just saying the point you said-”
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…………………….drank……………………………….. the …………………………………………………………
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……………………………………………………………………………..nine……………………………………………
………………………tonight………………………………………………………………………………………………
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…………………..which is when I said, “That lady in your pleasure squad aint exactly a lady, knowaddamean?”……………………………………………………………………………………………
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…………………..the ………………if any……………………. or………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
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…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Thursday again? No shit! ……………
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………………………………………………………………………………………..can still fire your ass, Wolf!

And that’s pretty much it. Ted now joins ABC’s Bob Woodruff as bringing back an exclusive report from North Korea! Because, you know, all information broadens and expands our knowledge . . . though not necessarily our knowledge of North Korea.