A Modest Proposal for Chung Dong-Young: It’s All About the Sejongs
It is now settled law that nothing good escapes the mouth of Chung Dong-Young, South Korea’s most consistent appeaser of Kim Jong Il (described here as the North’s Minister for Southern Affairs). On Monday, December 5th, Chung addressed the question of North Korea’s counterfeiting of U.S. currency, and had this to say:
Unification Minister Chung Dong-young said Monday, “Non-nuclear complaints by the United States against North Korea should be solved by bilateral talks between the two parties. As the six-party talks focus on resolving the nuclear issue, other matters should be kept separate from the six-party issue.
Chung told a forum during a breakfast hour lecture at the Lotte Hotel in Seoul, “Major non-nuclear complaints fall into six categories, the most important of which is the North’s missile program, others include biochemical and conventional weapons and human rights abuses, as well as its alleged involvement in drug trafficking and currency counterfeiting.
Somebody pinch me. This man actually expects us to negotiate some agreeable terms with counterfeiters of our currency.
If I wasn’t a fan of the Yangban’s thinking, I wouldn’t have granted him the perpetual free use of this blog. Just in case you missed it, he responded brilliantly to Chung, even spotting and articulating a consistent cycle that follows every new revelation of Chung’s dumbfounding stupidity:
Step 1: Pyongyang throws a tantrum.
Step 2: Chung Dong-young says something stupid in an attempt to appease [it].
Step 3: Ban Ki-Moon has to “clarify” what Chung said.
I believe I’m prepared to expand on the Yangban’s wisdom.
Step 4: Chung’s “something stupid” provokes a U.S. backlash.
Some minor points: generally, step 4 is Step 2.5, thus resulting in Step 3, and Step 2 actually preceded and most likely invited Step 1, which was actually reported on December 7th, but let us not quibble. Instead, let us observe the reaction of U.S. Ambassador Alexander Vershbow, on December 8th:
Only a day after North Korea said it would not return to nuclear negotiations unless Washington lifted financial sanctions on some of its business arms, the U.S. ambassador to Seoul fired back “• and Seoul cringed at the rhetoric.
Speaking to reporters in Seoul yesterday, the U.S. ambassador to Seoul, Alexander Vershbow, referred to Pyongyang as a “criminal regime,” adding, “We can’t somehow remove our sanctions as a political gesture when this regime is engaging in dangerous activities.”
Step 5: Pyongyang becomes more belligerent and recalcitrant than ever.
Intentions notwithstanding, Chung’s diplomacy thus has brought us one great leap backward from the land of sunshine, marzipan rainbows, and chocolate bunnies that breed faster than you can eat them:
North Korea on Saturday denounced the new U.S. ambassador to South Korea for calling the communist nation a “criminal regime,” saying his remark was tantamount to a declaration of war.
Ambassador Alexander Vershbow made the comment Tuesday, citing alleged illicit activities by North Korea like money laundering and counterfeiting.
North Korea called the statement “a sort of provocative declaration of a war” and threatened to “mercilessly retaliate against it,” the official Korean Central News Agency quoted an unidentified spokesman for the North’s committee on peaceful reunification as saying.
The North also said Vershbow’s comment “overturned the spirit” of a joint statement [yeah, this joint statement! –ofk] adopted at nuclear disarmament negotiations in September, during which the North agreed to abandon its nuclear program in exchange for security guarantees and aid. However, Pyongyang has since insisted it get a nuclear reactor for power before it disarms.
North Korea threatened on Tuesday to boycott the nuclear talks – which also involve South Korea, China, Japan and Russia – unless Washington lifts financial sanctions.
Now for Step 6: Time for Chung to take one for the team.
The point at which I’m driving here is that we obviously have what the touch-feelies refer to as a “cycle of abuse,” which can only break when someone gives a little, right? Clearly, Pyongyang isn’t prepared to give up its industry in “outsourced” hundred-dollar notes, and Washington stubbornly insists on this unilateralist exclusive right to print U.S. currency. Who will step forward to make the sacrifice that will finally bring peace (because, you know, this time will be different than all those other times)?
My modest proposal is this: Chung should drive a U-Haul over to the Bank of Korea and load it up with proof plates, paper, and green ink. Then, he should drive the whole load up, across the DMZ, to Kaesong. Naturally, Chung should be prepared to make a few more small compromises:
All he need bring back in exchange is the proof plates for the Benjamins.
What follows is a win-win for all. North Korea keeps on (literally) making money, the United States goes back to being to the sole producer of high-quality U.S. federal reserve notes, and South Korea gets one more chance to appease the North. This, in some circles, is known as putting your money where your mouth is.
Tell us, Minister Chung: are you willing to let them print your country’s currency instead? Won’t you at least hold a few rounds of bilateral talks about that?