Nork Submarines Invade Gulf of Mexico!

The best thing I can say for this is that it’s roughly 25% less dumb a typical 9/11 conspiracy theory:

A grim report circulating in the Kremlin today written by Russia’s Northern Fleet is reporting that the United States has ordered a complete media blackout over North Korea’s torpedoing of the giant Deepwater Horizon oil platform owned by the World’s largest offshore drilling contractor Transocean that was built and financed by South Korea’s Hyundai Heavy Industries Co. Ltd., that has caused great loss of life, untold billions in economic damage to the South Korean economy, and an environmental catastrophe to the United States.

The doofus legal scholar who wrote this post goes on to conclude that said attack, against a British-owned civilian target crewed by Americans thousands of miles from North Korea, would not in fact violate the laws of armed conflict because South Korea never signed the 1953 armistice. Whatever you say.

Of course, to be completely fair, this theory doesn’t sound that much dumber than the idea that North Korea would kidnap Japanese people off of beaches in their home towns and take them back to the Workers’ Paradise to teach Japanese to their spies. And let’s face it: North Korea has been in rare form lately. Still, this just doesn’t pass the smell test. What part of this really doesn’t seem plausible to me? This part:

To the attack itself, these reports continue, the North Korean “cargo vessel” Dai Hong Dan believed to be staffed by 17th Sniper Corps “suicide” troops left Cuba’s Empresa Terminales Mambisas de La Habana (Port of Havana) on April 18th whereupon it “severely deviated” from its intended course for Venezuela’s Puerto Cabello bringing it to within 209 kilometers (130 miles) of the Deepwater Horizon oil platform which was located 80 kilometers (50 miles) off the coast of the US State of Louisiana where it launched an SSC Sang-o Class Mini Submarine (Yugo class) estimated to have an operational range of 321 kilometers (200 miles).

On the night of April 20th the North Korean Mini Submarine manned by these “suicidal” 17th Sniper Corps soldiers attacked the Deepwater Horizon with what are believed to be 2 incendiary torpedoes causing a massive explosion and resulting in 11 workers on this giant oil rig being killed outright. Barely 48 hours later, on April 22nd , this North Korean Mini Submarine committed its final atrocity by exploding itself directly beneath the Deepwater Horizon causing this $1 Billion oil rig to sink beneath the seas and marking 2010’s celebration of Earth Day with one of the largest environmental catastrophes our World has ever seen.

Right. As if the Cubans, who think they’re on the precipice of convincing President Obama to lift economic sanctions, are going to screw that up, in addition to causing a colossal environmental disaster, and thereby alienating every granola-eating hippie from Amsterdam to Half Moon Bay who still beats off to pictures of Che (which is the Lakota Sioux word for “penis” — I’m serious, look it up youself). Cuba has something to lose by doing this. Comandante Fidel may be a chemo-addled old thug, but he doesn’t have a history of being stupid or irrational.

And why do this?

To the reason for North Korea attacking the Deepwater Horizon, these reports say, was to present US President Obama with an “impossible dilemma” prior to the opening of the United Nations Review Conference of the Parties to the Treat on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons (NPT) set to begin May 3rd in New York.

So we’re plying diplomats with ice cream sundaes to get them to keep their nukes to themselves? Great idea! Further down, the post goes on to recommend a particular type of thermonuclear weapon for President Obama to use against North Korea the Gulf of Mexico in response, along with a confident prediction that the International Court of Justice would fully support this.

What is it about presidential elections that just throws some people off their hinges?

Update: I also forgot to mention that for a North Korean ship, the name “Dai Hong Dan” sounds suspiciously Vietnamese. Of course, the North Koreans often rename and re-flag their vessels, but it’s another strike against the plausibility of this.

Update 2:Hat tip, Kushibo, who was in fact the first to bring this story to my attention. Thanks!