Kim Jong Un is sick, another purge may have begun, and …. Oh, look! AP has an exclusive report from Pyongyang on ladies’ footwear!

Jesus wept. The U.N. is debating North Korea’s crimes against humanity, state TV admits that Kim Jong Un is “not feeling well,” his Number Two, Chae Ryong Hae, was just removed from his post, and the Comcast of Journalism brings us this exclusive report from Derek Zoolander:

While rubber boots and utilitarian flats remain the norm elsewhere in North Korea, high heels in a wide array of colors and styles are commonplace in Pyongyang. They range from basic black to glittery sequined styles that are almost over-the-top exuberant.

Handbags and other accessories are everywhere. Women’s clothes have become tighter. Shirts, trousers and dresses are often form-fitting. Women’s hairstyles have become more similar to styles seen overseas. Makeup has changed, too.

Overall, the look is less 1980s Soviet Union and more contemporary East Asian. [AP, Eric Talmadge]

Mr. Talmadge, here is a random citizen! You will interview this random citizen now!

“Nowadays, it’s clear that clothes have become very bright,” said Kim Su Jong, a Pyongyang resident. “In the past, the colors were a little dark,” she said. “Now everyone likes bright colors.”

What an awful disappointment from Eric Talmadge, who wasn’t allowed to cover a disaster that happened ten minutes away from his bureau, but who had at least tried to be serious and objective about what little he was allowed to see. Until now.

For the love of Zeus, man — reach down under your nose and find something newsworthy to report, or have enough self-respect to come home.